Lord, is it I?

I couldn't sleep last night, my head and heart hurt.  I have for the most part enjoyed the down time Covid-19 has brought.  I haven't really struggled with being home and having more family time.  What I have missed is connecting with other people.  I am a hugger, a handshaker, and an arm grabber.  Touch is my love language.  It is how I show people I care for them and feel cared for in return.  

So social distancing is hard for me.  I also hate the way it makes us look at one another.  I don't feel like a fellow human being anymore.  Now, I feel like I'm a threat.  I am a threat to your health and safety.  This is what we are told over and over again.  "Wear a mask not for you, but to protect those around you. " I'm a threat and you see me that way.  We've disconnected ourselves from each other and it breaks my heart.  

Social distancing was bad enough, but we must wear masks, masks that cover the whole lower half of our faces.  Masks that make us unrecognizable.  Masks that cover our smiles, our joy, our pain even.  Masks that further distance us from one another.  This can't become the new normal.  We can't always view people as a threat to us and we can't keep disconnecting ourselves from humanity.  What will our society become?  It breaks my heart to think about.

I'm also heartbroken by what's happening on social media.  We have a connection to others and the world at large through social media, but I can barely stand to check it out anymore.  My feed feels like an episode of Dance Moms.  Not that I've seen the show, but one of my daughters would walk around the house playing episodes or clips on her phone.  It was loud with grown women yelling and fighting with one another.  I hated hearing people talk to each other that way.  I still hate it.  My one connection to people has become a shouting match about who is right and who is wrong.  I'm sad. I'm sad that at times I have been part of the problem. I'm sad those trying to be part of the solution by posting kind, loving things are getting lost in the noise.  I'm sad we are judging one another so harshly.  

I've been spending more time in the scriptures lately and came across words I have been pondering for several days.  "Lord, is it I?"  Jesus Christ had just told His beloved apostles that one of them would betray Him that night.  Matthew and Mark record the apostles all asking, "Is it I!"  It is a testament to their love of one another and their humility, that instead of looking around the table and pointing fingers, they each asked, "Lord, is it I?" 

Luke shares a very different exchange.  When the Lord tells them he is to be betrayed, Luke recorded that they started to point fingers at each other and then began to contend with one another about who was the greatest among them.  Luke's record is what we find happening today.  We point fingers at one another when we should be coming together to fight some really tough battles.  We find ways to divide and set ourselves apart, instead of listening to understand, and showing mercy to others who don't agree.  We belittle, or complain about them, or accuse them of lacking compassion.  I'm so sad and tired.

I think about our divisive culture today and wonder if we can find the kind of love for one another, the kind of humility that are recorded in the books of Matthew and Mark.  Or are we doomed to continue to repeat Luke's account instead.  It's not too late to change.  Instead of pointing fingers at others who don't believe the same way we do, or sin differently than we do, or act contrary to how we think they should, if we could just ask, "Lord, is it I?"  Is it I that needs to soften, is it I that needs to listen better, is it I that needs to show mercy, is it I that needs to be kind, is it I that needs to not judge?  We will find that the answer is a resounding yes, we can all be better.  As a disciple of Christ and a member of His kingdom, I have to do better, to love better.